5 Habits That Will Unlock Your Greatest Resiliency
In the previous post (Want to Stay Unhappy?), I took a tongue-in-cheek — but perhaps a little “too close to home” — look at five behaviors that drive our unhappiness.
Now it’s time to pivot. The most important aspect of those five behaviors of unhappiness is simply awareness. Awareness is where all change begins; and the deeper the awareness, the more substantial and sustainable the change.
When I first looked at the “happiness movement,” I’ll admit I was skeptical and even a bit dismissive thinking to myself, “Do we really need psychology and philosophy to promote people being more focused on their own gratification?”
That was simply wrong. A completely erroneous assumption on my part as to what happiness — as positive psychology and even Aristotle discuss — is all about.
First, I’d like to share three quick learnings about happiness studies, and then we’ll get to the habits:
Happiness does not just refer to the emotional state but describes the whole idea of how we flourish in our lives and live well.
Tal Ben Shahar, the professor presently behind Harvard’s wildly popular Positive Psychology program and author of Happier, defines happiness “as the overall experience of pleasure and meaning. A happy person enjoys positive emotions while perceiving her life as purposeful. The definition doesn’t pertain to a single moment, but to a generalized aggregate of one’s experiences: a person can endure emotional pain at times and still be happy overall.”
In a nutshell, happiness is the combination of both enjoyment AND meaning. Aristotle, who devoted significant time to the consideration of what happiness is, wrote that happiness is more a behavior or activity than it’s a result or only an emotion. Various researchers in positive psychology continue to prove this premise in thousands of studies over the past decade.
And now, onto the habits to build up happiness:
Happiness Habit #1 — Cultivating Present Awareness
When you’re in the present moment, thoughts about the past and worries about the future disappear. Your awareness is of what’s taking place right now.
Consider your most positive memories: aren’t they all pretty much anchored in the unfolding of a specific moment? You remember a lot of sensory data: the sounds, smells, sights, touch, and tastes. When you picture the most poignant moment in that memory, you can likely feel the emotions begin to rise again in you. In that moment, you were fully present to your experience.
In today’s world, we have more distractions than ever before vying for our attention: from smartphones and social media to 24-hour news cycles and completely jam-packed schedules for work and kids. This distraction from life’s moments subtracts happiness as we miss the many wonderful, pleasurable, and meaningful moments that pass us each day.
The practice of mindfulness has blossomed immensely in recent years as more and more individuals seek to reconnect and be present within their lives.
A simple mindfulness technique’s to simply notice your breath. Take five slow inhales and five slower exhales than normal, and pause just for a second or two after each exhale. With each breath, just notice one thing that you hear and listen as it fades away or one thing that you can see, and notice the beauty in its movement or its stillness. After five breaths, take one more full inhale and exhale the air fully from your lungs and gently remind yourself to stay present to what you’re experiencing — within yourself and within your moments.
Happiness Habit #2 — Accept What Is
Let’s get this out of the way upfront: acceptance does not mean agreement or submission in any way.
Acceptance is just acknowledging what is. Whatever has occurred, whatever you’re feeling, whatever unhappiness may be present. Acknowledge it as being there. Acknowledge whatever has occurred up until now and that the past can’t be changed.
You see, when we want things to be different than they are, very often we get stuck re-litigating the story of why and how it happened in our minds (or out loud, too!). What does that change? Sure, it can be helpful to release some energy, however, it’ll keep you stuck in that moment in time unless you accept that this is what’s occurred and this is where I am presently.
When you feel stuck, it can be helpful to consider:
“What’s the truest statement you can make that doesn’t involve blaming or judging anyone or anything — including yourself?”
For example, “I feel unhappy.” Notice that statement doesn’t include a “because” after it. It just is.
Happiness Habit #3 — Ask, “What’s Possible?”
Once you accept what is and can acknowledge, “okay, this is where I am,” move towards identifying multiple options forward. Don’t just jump to, “so what am I going to do about it?” This latter question usually gets you moving too quickly, and you leave out many possible choices that could’ve better served you.
Instead, in challenging times and when you’re flourishing, asking yourself, “What’s possible?” is a powerful way to open up your creativity and intuition. As you develop the habit of asking what’s possible, you’ll also find that you’re identifying opportunities that benefit you more and more often. You begin looking for the possibilities instead of the only seeing limitations or what’s blocking your way.
With each possibility or option you come up with (and you can always phone a friend — or better yet, a coach — if you’re really stuck), you can consider what will best serve you and help you live well in the near, mid, and long-term future. Do this more often than not when you’re stressed or challenged, and you’ll find your life improves rapidly in the direction of your choice. Within a few years, you won’t believe how far you’ll have come.
Happiness Habit #4 — Tap into Courage
Courage isn’t the absence of fear. It’s feeling the fear, and proceeding anyway.
Fear has many faces and can show up in the form of doubt, resistance, and even really strong rationalizations giving you plenty of reasons to stay where you’re at or retreat.
While it’d be wonderful to be fearless in those moments, it’s unrealistic for the vast majority of us. However, being courageous is accessible, and you can tap into it with just small, progressive steps.
The hardest part of a performance is the opening note. The hardest part of a difficult conversation’s saying the first words. But once the veil of fear has been pierced by the first steps, it begins to retreat.
This is important to our happiness because courage is how we root out regret. It’s what helps us rise to the occasion. It’s courage that empowers us to show our best selves.
In the next week, pick out one situation or area of your life that isn’t quite where you want it to be and you find yourself avoiding it. Picture yourself filled with courage, and consider, from that state, what you would choose to do. What’d be your first bold step? What support or reinforcements can line up that’ll encourage you to stay courageous? No one ever said courage had to travel alone!
Happiness Habit #5 — Practice Gratitude and Kindness
Gratitude is the gateway practice to happiness. You see, when you take just a couple minutes, three days a week to contemplate what you’re grateful for, you begin to wire your brain in such a way that it’ll point out all the great stuff in your life on an ongoing basis.
A core quality of happiness is contentment, and to be content, you must have awareness of the things that bring you calm, peace, and satisfaction in your life and work.
Please note, there’s a big difference between contentment and complacency. Just because you’re largely content in your life doesn’t mean you get lazy or settle — that’s complacency. Whereas contentment’s a firm foundation on which to build your life.
Gratitude then lends itself to intentional acts of appreciation and kindness. When you’re able to see what’s brightening your life, you embrace the little and big things that make your life a little better, easier, or more satisfying. Then you’re able to pay it forward — and this is where things get great.
You see, happiness has the rare benefit of being something that grows the more you share it, and one of the clearest ways to share it is through appreciation and kindness.
When you intentionally say, “thank you,” recognize someone for their efforts, pay for the coffee for the next person in line, it starts a ripple effect that usually begins with a smile. When it’s intentional — meaning you performed the act fully aware of what and why you were doing it — the other person feels it and they feel acknowledged, even validated, and a little more connected to another human being. This makes their day brighter, and you’ll feel good having paid it forward.
Use these five Happiness Habits, concentrating on adding just one a week, and in a very short time, you’ll be amazed at how your life and the people in it will start to respond to you.