042 - An Upfront Look at Men’s Mental Health — One Man’s Journey

The mental well-being of men has received some more attention of late—but not in a good way. Brace yourself as we share some painful truths about the stigma surrounding male mental health… And discuss the way back to true well-being.

This week On This Walk, my walking partner is Tim Perreira who shares his personal journey with mental health. After hitting a plateau in his life and being fired during the pandemic, he faced depression, weight gain, and a serious reconsideration of what matters. However, these challenges became a turning point for him to prioritize his well-being.

We delve into men's challenges when seeking support and the importance of morning routines for productivity and mental health. Please join us as we break the silence on men's mental health and much more!

In This Episode

(08:22) Tim's shift from external to internal orientation
(11:07) Men's pursuit of external peace
(13:11) The challenges men face in seeking help for mental health issues
(15:16) Transformation and understanding of the human mind
(17:26) Depersonalizing mental health
(22:23) Reasons why men are not seeking help
(26:30) Men's struggle with societal norms
(35:48) The benefits of joining a men's group
(37:33) The importance of having a supportive community
(40:48) Men’s reluctance to explore emotional and mental health
(41:00) Creation of narratives and limiting beliefs in the mind
(42:20) Seeking fulfillment in core human emotions
(48:17) Tim's modalities for mental well-being
(50:54) Creating a morning routine
(59:10) Micro-commitment for meditation
(01:03:32) The importance of intention
(01:09:47) An advice for those struggling with mental health

Notable Quotes

“External peace has been so much what we've been taught to chase. We're told that this is the image of what it means to make it in the world as you maybe turn towards family and things. This is what it means to be the provider and the protector of that family. And this is what you got to do to prepare yourself for that role. And so we get so oriented and caught up in that external there to flip it and say, actually, no, you've got to build a life from the inside and then bring it out. It literally feels like flipping our whole world upside down.”
“Strength is recognizing that something's off and doing something about it. You know, strength isn't bearing it like that's easy to bury it and to cover it and sweep it under the rug. It is hard to stare at your deepest fears and insecurities in the face and say, I'm going to do something about this, I don't know what it's going to be, I have no idea what I'm doing. Like extremely vulnerable to even step into that world but just to reinforce that, it takes such a massive amount of strength.”

Our Guest

Tim Perreira is a former college athlete turned tech sales pro who struggled to find purpose after sports. Despite achieving sales success through job hopping, he felt unfulfilled and realized something was missing. After being fired during the pandemic, Tim decided to pursue his passion for mental health and wellness. He founded PER, a company focused on improving men's health and crushing stigmas.

Resources & Links

On This Walk

Tim Perreira

https://www.linkedin.com/in/timperreira/

Mentioned

Atomic Habits by James Clear - https://www.amazon.com/Atomic-Habits-Proven-Build-Break/dp/0735211299
Unbroken: The Trauma Response is Never Wrong by MaryCatherine McDonald, PhD - https://www.amazon.com/Unbroken-Trauma-Response-Never-Things/dp/1683648846#:~:text=%22Unbroken%22%20by%20Dr.,a%20demonstration%20of%20its%20strength.
F3 Nation - https://f3nation.com/

Tim [00:00:00] What if I am able to change at this moment with this chapter in my life, but this year, with this situation I'm in? What if I'm able to change what that means for me in my life? Like what if you had that power?
Luke [00:00:13] Welcome to On This Walk, a show about the winding journey of life in all its realness. I'm Luke Iorio. Please join me in my brilliant heart center guests each week. As we look to navigate this journey, we're consciously and authentically uncovering how to tap back into that sense of connection with self, with soul, and with something bigger than ourselves. Let's go on this walk. Hey there, everyone. Welcome again to on this walk. As you may have noticed or you may have heard, May is specifically Men's Health Month and [2.1s] specifically I've got a few episodes and some of this may continue into into the next month as well that are speaking more to men's emotional, mental and spiritual health. A very important topic and we're gonna be diving into this today specifically to talk about the stigma around mental health for men and why right now it's actually a really relevant topic, but we're going to get into it through some of these personal journey and personal stories. So it provides great context from the inside out as well as the professional experience. It's there. And so this journey, this topic we're gonna get into today, it all came to a head for my guest during the pandemic. Tim Perreira was doing pretty well. He had a flourishing sales career. He won some awards, got the recognition, got the promotion, like all the things, it looked like it was on track. And then it started to feel like he was on the hamster wheel. The successes just they didn't have the payoff in fulfillment and happiness that they were supposed to have, no matter how much chasing and even catching was being done in any given moment, it just seemed to never stop. It just kept going. And then came those feelings of being directionless without purpose, and then the depression set in. And just to top it off, for good measure, a little bit of weight gain on top of all of that. And so after a few years of this, it ended with being fired near the beginning of the pandemic. And that's when Tim turned towards what he was facing and going through the whole new focus and commitment to figure it out. This led not only to a dramatic improvement in his own mental and physical health, but ultimately it actually led him to the founding of a company to support other men to do the same. So officially, tech Sales Turn Performance coach Tim Perreira is the founder of PER Wellness, a community and coaching program built to help men live happier and healthier lives. You know the drill if you are a subscriber already, I thank you so much for the support that you have given to on this walk. If you are new to on this walk, do me a favor hit that subscribe button and make sure that you never miss an episode we pop out here weekly. And now let's go on this walk with Tim and destigmatizing as well as better understanding men's mental health. Tim, I want to thank you for joining us on this walk.
Tim [00:02:51] Yeah, Luke, thank you so much. I think that that was definitely the best intro I've ever had and I think I needed to steal that soundbite and use it as my use it as my bio or something. You got it.
Luke [00:03:03] When I ran across your story and I really recognized what was there, there was a lot of things that stuck out, partly, to be honest, the some of the familiarity I have with the hamster wheel effect of what you were describing and chasing the achievements and things like that, and then it's just not panning out. But I also appreciated how the work that you're doing is so connected deeply to the personal experience that you've been through. I want to dive in like real quickly onto the men's health and mental health side of this, but let me just give you a few minutes to maybe share a little bit of what was some of that turning point maybe for you, right. Where you you found yourself in this position. You're now in the pandemic, you end up getting laid off. Where were you at that time before? And then as you started to make the changes you made?
Tim [00:03:48] Yeah, right around that time I was like and I saw it coming, of course. So, you know, I was I got pretty frustrated, I think, actually the quarter before I did. Okay, in terms of my sales performance, I wasn't feeling great on the inside and I knew it wasn't going to last. But they put me on a performance plan. And so it's about that time I was like, Screw this, this isn't this obviously isn't working. So, you know, then fast forward a couple of months. I knew it was going to happen. I was really feeling dejected, not so much because of getting fired. That makes sense. But this feeling that had been building inside where. You know, man, I had already overcome what I look at, like one of the hardest thing, probably up until that point was transitioning from playing college athletics into the professional world and being like, Man, who am I? What do I do now? I'm no longer a baseball player. I got to figure out this professional world thing. I was only going to school so I could play. And so I did that. And so I found footing in sales and I did really well, etc.. I mean, everything that you said. And then for that to then fall apart after a few years, I knew that going back into the same type of role wasn't going to do it. I knew that I had these ideas and feelings building for a number of years of trying something else or doing something else but couldn't in point it. And so I think what ultimately happened was I felt like I got so far away in just a short amount of time, a couple of years from really when I was at my best and I was hitting my stride in the first few years, really, I would say a few years prior, I had been doing really well, achieving some things, working with some great people, and I just felt like such a different person at that moment, an introvert. And so when I was like, Oh, I remember the feeling of looking, I was stooped over my bathroom sink. I literally eyes were just like swelled with tears and I'm staring in the mirror like, Who are you? And I remember saying, like, you have to get your fucking life back. Yeah. And it was just this, like, deep. Hey, I probably would look crazy if I saw a video of it now, but it was like a minute of me just, like, staring in the mirror and being like, I don't even, like, know who you are. Like, what you're doing right now and how you're feeling is not you, you know? And so you have to do something to change that. I think in that moment that when I reflect on it now, it's like I think what I what happened was I finally said, okay, we're going to explore some things. We're going to do whatever it is you want to do, and we're going to say, screw the traditional path. Screw the things that you used to think would bring fulfillment, and we're just going to start fresh and figure it out as we go.
Luke [00:06:22] So you don't know this, but the actual journey for me that led to me even doing this podcast seven, eight years ago actually started with a very similar moment with me and a mirror being kind of at that moment of just complete overwhelm and burnout and frustration and going through an experience that gave me and offered me that moment to reflective just how far do I feel like I've wandered from the truth of who I am and why I think I might be here. And it led me back around. So I share that because I share that crazy moment with you. I have a pretty good feeling of what it looked like. Anyway, one of the pieces that's in there, this is certainly something I struggled with. It's something I've seen with a lot of other men. To me, it sounds like part of what the struggle was is the identity of who you were and how you knew yourself was beginning to crumble. Right? You knew yourself as an athlete, probably a high performing athlete, from the sounds of it. Yeah. And then you had to find a new identity. You establish a new identity, and now that one's not working out.
Tim [00:07:22] Mm hmm.
Luke [00:07:23] How did you wrestle with kind of putting those pieces or exploring that you described it as you decided, You know what, I'm going to explore other paths. I'm going to explore different ways of doing this. So maybe what did that piece look like? Because I know the identity piece kept me locked in for a very long time.
Tim [00:07:37] Yeah, it's great. And it's something I, you know, I talk with guys a lot about now, and I think James Claire mentions it in Atomic Habits. At one of the hardest things we'll go through in our life is a change in identity. And it's so true. And you see that in so many different areas of people's lives, whether they're going from high school to college or they're, you know, no longer playing a sport, or parents become empty nesters or people that have career change or people that move from city to city, it doesn't really matter. I mean, those are kind of major examples, but there's a lot of things that are much more minor and that just affect the individual. What happened shortly after that, I actually I heard this idea, and it's not a new idea, but for me it felt like it was the first time I ever heard. It certainly was the first time it ever resonated with me. But it was that Tim everything that happens in life in the world is objectively neutral. All the events, circumstance, everything is just neutral. All meaning comes from within our own mind. And that was the moment, the instant where everything, all the dots were connected for me. I was like, I had moved 16 times in 12 years. I changed jobs four times in four years. You know, I was like getting different cars. I was changing apartments, I was dating different women. I was doing all of these things. I was traveling to different countries, which was like, I just I felt this need to keep changing and thinking that the change that I needed was outside. So even the transition of identity from a baseball player into a sales rep or, you know, into sales and to now something else, I was so attached to this external view of myself because I, I didn't really know myself at my core level. So this was really the the impetus to that in the moment where I was like, Holy crap, it's me, it's my perspective, it's my beliefs, it's my thoughts. Out my self, my expectations for me in my life, how I think things should be. And so over. That was a moment where I was like, Oh my God, you know? Because up until then, look, I have been really into health and wellness and fitness. I would say, you know, I studied all the workouts, I followed programs, I studied nutrition for fun. I listen to all the biohacking, all the podcasts years ago, you know, And like, I was I was very into it. And for whatever reason, the mindset mental health piece, I just kind of figured it didn't apply to me. I was fine. Yeah, I was doing okay. And so hearing that idea made me realize, holy crap, what I need to do is between my ears, it's not going to be found outside of me and I have to stop looking out there. And so I got to turn that search internal.
Luke [00:10:08] It's such a shift for many of us, and I relate very much to making that switch from kind of the external orientation to internal orientation and being able to recognize with whatever experience we're going through in life, asking that question to yourself of what are you making this mean and how often I've had to go back and reflect on that to recognize that, wait, there's so many different ways that I can explain what's unfolding right now. And if I just go objectively of what's actually happening, like what are the actual facts of what's unfolding right now? And then to be able to step back and say, okay, one interpretation was the first one and I that didn't sit very well with me brought a lot of this stuff, right? Yeah. What are all of the other right interpretations, other meanings that I can bring to this and what what might be, you know, what's going on in me that I'm not connecting to those. Where's that resistance? Where's that fear? Where the blocks that are coming off that are preventing me from, from connecting there. And I think this is so relevant to where men are struggling right now is external peace has been so much what we've been taught to chase. Right. We're told that this is this is the image of what it means to make it in the world as you maybe turn towards family and things. This is what it means to be the provider and the protector for that family. And this is what you got to do to prepare yourself for that role. And so we get so orient and caught up in that external there to flip it and say, actually, no, you've got to build life from the inside and then bring it out. It's it literally feels like flipping our whole world upside down.
Tim [00:11:41] Yeah, it goes against everything we've ever been taught. Totally right. You know, when you're conditioned to think like, hey, it's you do these things, you check all these boxes, you go to this school, you get this job, you make this amount of money, and you get this kind of house. You do this whatever it is for you and your everyday upbringing, and everybody's a little different. It's like in then you'll be allowed to feel this way.
Luke [00:12:01] Exactly. Yeah. You'll be happy when you check. Check all these things and all is Good. I've done that. I'm supposed to be happy now. Why am I not happy? Right? And so it is. It's it's a pursuit that we go after. I want to turn this into specifically talking about kind of the state of men's mental health and in terms of the stigma and things that are out there for me, I think one of the challenges that I saw was that when I started to feel about identity shift and actually I can't even say it was an identity shift, what it felt like first was dead, right? It felt like something was just collapsing and falling apart in my life. And for me, it was a real struggle to know even who do I turn to at that point. Because I've got to keep up all these roles and all these appearances and all the ways I'm presenting in the world. And it was very, very difficult to stand there and say, Wait, I need help because I do not know where I go with this. And I'm curious, you know, for for you, how did you grapple with that? I mean, that's part of I'm assuming even the impetus of what you're doing now is why you're providing the type of company that you are so you can be a resource like that. Yeah. How did how did you grapple with it?
Tim [00:13:11] Yeah, I never got help for four years. And of course, you know, now I would do things differently and I do. And I wish I would have, but I did. I actually there was one time I was living in Chicago and it was just really, really bad. I mean, I probably went through a stretch of a couple of weeks of just like crying myself to sleep every night. And, you know, I talk about this now and I write on LinkedIn about it and I'm open now. But to emphasize or make the point, like, I was never somebody that talked about this stuff, like the weakness wasn't my brand, you know, I was like a sales leader. I was top of the leaderboard. I was a former athlete. Like I had my shit together. I was a role model to people in the company. Like, I just But meanwhile, you know, there would be times I would go home or I'd be out with friends on the weekend and I would have to leave the restaurant or the bar. Yeah. Without telling anybody, I just felt like I was about to erupt and just start crying. And I had no idea why. That's what was really frustrating. And so anyway, there was a point. I did try and go get help. I went to this office, this psychiatrist north of Chicago at the time, about 20 miles north. I went in and have the hat, the sunglasses, the hood in the office, I just like so ashamed to be there. Yeah. And, you know, I remember telling her I said, like, 10 minutes, just saying what I was. Went through how I was feeling. And of course, like my heart rate was probably 200 while I was in there just and you know, the first thing out of her, out of her mouth. I mean, literally, the response was like, we can write you a prescription today. It was just such a gut punch, You know, as somebody who was so used to like training hard and hitting the weight room and doing all the stuff for sports. And I knew. I just had an idea of how to do things the right way. And for me, that didn't resonate. It wasn't like that wasn't a viable option for me potentially, but for that to be the first response, yeah, I'm like, That doesn't make sense. That is not going to be my first option. If we try other stuff, it doesn't work. We can. And so anyway, so I didn't ask anybody for the next two years and then that's when this whole this whole thing happened. And I kind of kept declining and I got let go and then I had to start figuring it out on my own at some point. And so, so now, after having gone through that transformation and change and I think like during the process of doing the interview too, and kind of scraping the old identity, right. You have the death of the ego, the death of the old identity, and you're starting to rebuild this new one, this new like life force that just starts out as this little tiny seedling. And, you know, you're watering it and getting it to grow every day. But it's through that process and better understanding myself and really better understanding how the human mind works. Like, I would hear somebody tell a story about their inner critic or having imposter syndrome or perfectionism, and I'd be like, Wait a minute. I think the exact same way. So I'm like, this isn't just anything. It just started to click. It's like, Well, this is just how the human mind works. Okay. Well, if that's the case, I don't need to take it so personally all the time. Yeah. You know, And so maybe I can start to view it as like, I'm just trying to figure out this game that is the human body or the mind. And I'm trying to find my role in, in creating, and I would say build and change it to be able to live in a way that I really want. So I think through that, I became more and more comfortable with the idea that things weren't going how I wanted them to, because I stopped really internalizing it to mean something about me and my worth. And I started having more empathy for other people when they would act out, when they would lash out and somebody cuts you off and you get somebody flips you, the birds and I'm like, Oh, that is actually that's just something that's going on in their own head. Yeah. And then it became less pressure to say something to somebody. Like in terms of asking for help. I could just the weight and the gravity of being a little bit vulnerable. It just wasn't. Wasn't really there anymore. And so I always think, hey, what is something I could have told myself or said to myself or shown myself when I was at my lowest when I was really going through it. And I think really the only thing I come back to is if somebody were to share a story with me about them going through something similar and I kind of see myself in them, or I look up to them and just be able to say, like, hold the space to be like, Yeah, I deal with similar stuff all the time. It's not a massive deal in terms of like, yeah, you know, feeling like we're going to judge you for it. Like, yeah, we want to, we want to help you get better. But so I just, I think of that a lot. And so those few things of just thinking like, okay, what would I have been able to do to myself a few years ago to really get him to pay attention? And then also just thinking through, you know, like. And everybody everybody deals with this stuff like we all have very similar thought processes to different degrees. And it just doesn't have to mean something about us and our worth as an individual if we don't let it.
Luke [00:18:02] So I've actually I think I've mentioned this now on an episode or two very recent book by the name of Unbroken How the Trauma Response is Never Wrong. And the reason why I bring it up is that it looks at trauma from the perspective of recognizing that's our body processing exactly the way that our body is designed to process, to keep us safe. And what you just mentioned about how the human mind works, it's a recognition that this is part of our wiring. It works in certain ways. There are reasons why we all have certain patterns and certain negative tendencies, negative bias, and negativity bias, which is an issue with the positive psychology space we talk about. And when we start to realize there's a whole lot more commonality in the way this works, we're not broken. It's just the way that we've experienced things and the way they've ended up processing inside of us. If there's something that led to it being that way. The circuitry can also be designed and used to create a different state.
Tim [00:19:04] Right.
Luke [00:19:05] And I think that's you know, that's part of what you're describing, is that the more that you understood how the human mind works and how there was a lot of you weren't alone. There were a lot of other people that were experiencing this. It allowed you to depersonalize the experience, not internalize it, like you were saying. And I think that's an important part of the jury because what I wanted to ask about is how do we help men get over that hurdle where they may feel that sense of shame, they feel that sense of weakness or vulnerability that they're not comfortable with because they are personalizing it. And so how do we support them in those times to actually help them get through the hurdle and even get into a room or onto a podcast where they're listening to information that can really support them?
Tim [00:19:52] Yeah, it's a great question. And, you know, I actually get asked that a lot by women, you know, who have a man in their life and they're like, how do I get into, you know, read your stuff or talk to you or do anything, you know? And I'm like, man. And so, again, that that is one thing I always think about. And I think about like what would have resonated with me. And so I think a lot of it is stories. And so the more we share stories, like having somebody sharing a story and somebody on the other side of the screen or the headphones or the other side of the table, giving them the opportunity to feel for a moment like they aren't crazy and they aren't alone and that somebody else might get what they're going through, I just think is the most powerful thing in terms of some of the guys I work with. We're all not even I work with directly, but some of the first I guess tips or something I would suggest is just to write literally, what are you, what's going through your mind? What do you worry about? Why are you worried about it? And then, yeah, you just can rip up the paper and burn it and throw it away. You don't have to keep it for, future records by any means. But there is something about forcing yourself to get thoughts, pen to paper and articulate these thoughts and give them structure. Because what happens is thoughts just kind of run wild and untamed and untethered in our mind. And really the result that we get out of them is just a massive feeling. So the thoughts feel so much bigger than in reality what they actually would be if we took time to. Yeah, to just jot him down. So I think that's something that helps and you can start to. We can better piece together where thoughts are coming from, like where these feelings are coming from, why you're feeling a certain way, even if you've never done it before, even if you've, you know, have never journal or written or you don't know what the end result is going to be, just taking a moment to start to better understand yourself and where these things are coming from.
Luke [00:21:52] I wanted to speak to this point that Tim brought up about women reaching out, asking how to help men in their lives. They connect the various resources he offers. I'll be honest, I've had this occur quite a few times myself. Let me start this way. It's going to seem like maybe a little bit of a tangent, but bear with me because it's important. Let me give some statistics on this. These are all largely from an NIA meta-analysis report that they did of nine studies on these particular subjects in the United States. Women are 1.6 times more likely to receive any form of mental health support than men. And in the U.K., it's 1.5, eight times more likely. And these rates generally hold, for the most part, across all Western countries. And at the same time, as men are seeking less help. Men are also 1.8 times more likely to die by suicide. [21.9s] Let that sink in for a minute. So it begs this question. Why are men not getting the help that they need? Many reviews have tried to get at the core of this issue. Why is it that men will not seek assistance to get support to get services when they are under such mental duress? So let me actually quote a bit from the NIH report and share some of the summary that they have done on all of these different reports that have come out on this particular issue as to why men are not seeking that support that they actually need. And then I'm going to add something to this afterwards. So first, it's that men are thought to be deterred from engaging in any form of mental health services due to the way that we tend to get socialized in traditional masculine, gender-based roles, kind of the stereotypes or traits that are associated with traditional, quote-unquote traditional masculinity include stereotypes of stoicism, invulnerability and self-reliance, which are frequently discussed as they do not fit comfortably with seeking help and specifically seeking psychological help. Another set of studies said that, for instance, negative emotions are perceived as a sign of weakness, and that also then discourages men from reaching out to friends, meaning to reach out to other men. Another report still says this negatively impacts men's overall help seeking behaviors and their choice of treatment type when they fail to adhere to these masculine stereotypes. It then can result in the internalization of a lot of these discriminative traits, meaning these these self judgments, as well as what they believe to be the social judgments of them going out to be able to seek help. They start to take on those beliefs and then those views themselves. And what this effectively does is it creates a stigma. Part of that is a social stigma. Part of that is a self-stigma, a self-stigmatizing belief that further discourages men yet again from seeking the help they need. One last point here is that men also tend to cope very, very differently than women, and they are more prone to coping through self-medicating, whether that be drugs, alcohol, porn, sex and other addictions, as well as other attempts at self-directed strategies. Some can actually even be healthy, right? So some men are going to seek out things like exercise. Nutrition is just an example, but seldom do they focus on the true root of what's actually causing their pain and distress. They're just tamping it down and a healthier manner than other addictions or substances that might be abused. And so I'm going to add one more obstacle to men getting the type of help and requesting the type of help that they may actually need. And this one is not specifically addressed in the literature, although it is alluded to in something that I just mentioned. But I haven't seen a whole lot of details on this. And it's the scarcity of healthy male role models and peers, specifically peers that are willing to be the first ones to start to speak up and speak out about their experiences. And we're slowly starting to see more men talk about their battles with things like mental health. Athletes, for instance, have begun to open up more about the help that they have needed to seek through their years of competition. But each one is still each one meaning each athlete that speaks out is still the exception and not the rule in much fewer. Much, much, much fewer still are Actually having peers that openly talk about the struggles that they have had, that they have faced or might even still be facing right now. To me, this is actually where things need to change. Most men look to their peers for what's deemed acceptable. Most men or maybe not going to admit it, but we do take a look around and we take note of what it is that our friends are doing, saying and sharing. We take note of what seems to be embraced and what may be perceived as too out there or too weak or too soft or too emotional or too not manly. And then we feel this. Maybe we feel this different need or this different direction or something that's eating at us and we keep it to ourselves because we don't think it's going to be received or accepted by our peer group. I've taken various phone calls from wives and partners, spouses that have been looking at the men that they love very much, and they know that they're their man, as it were, is starting to try to create some change. Maybe they're getting more introspective, maybe they're starting to look at the things that they want to evolve in their life. But as soon as they start to look out, it looks to them that their peers, their friend group, is not willing to go there. They're not going to receive the type of support. And so they retreat back in. And yet they don't find the outlet. They don't find a way to then be able to connect, to get the type of support, whether it's mental health or just broader support in a man's life. And they don't reach out to actually go out and get that. And so we end up worrying about if we're not going to be received and accepted for these new ideas or this new direction we want to take, we worry about being judged, or worse yet, that will even be an outcast. We might even be the butt of our friend's jokes and take some ridicule or embarrassment. And then the pain, distress and a loneliness gets even worse. All sorts of reasons why that may be the background. There are all sorts of reasons why we as men may tell ourselves some of these stories. There are all sorts of reasons why I believe we may believe that what's going on for us is different than what's going on for most of our friends. We don't have time to go through the whole history of everything that has created that type of conditioning. But in fact, it is there and it is still a presence in our lives. And so to me, the first place for this actually is me saying to other men, the accountability lies with us, and it's up to us men to invite other men who may be struggling or just in need of some form of support to invite them back to the circle, to show them that it's okay, to show them that this is accepted, that we need a space where we can lay down whatever burdens we happen to be walking with and be received for who we actually are and what it is we're actually experiencing. This lets us start to have real conversations about what we aspire to be, what changes we may need to make inside of our lives, and what challenges from our fellow men we're willing to ask for as well as accept. So to all of the loving women who care so deeply about your men and just want to see them happier, less stressed and more connected for themselves and a lot more connected with you and in their relationship. First, I want to say thank you. Thank you for your love, your kindness, and your compassion. We need it. And please be patient, Be gentle and be understanding, because we're really, at this point looking to start to change a lot of societal norms and change some paradigms in the way in which we as men can become much more integrated and balanced in the wholeness, the fullness of who is that we are. Now, it's okay to point out resources, try to make it more like you are informing, meaning not telling, not telling them this is something you should do or check out. Not saying or asking us to specifically do something. Men deeply, deeply feel and honour their sovereignty. We need to be willing to seek that help. So we need to be able to feel like we're in a space that is accepted and not judged for the type of help that we may need. So how can we do that? So one of the things is thinking about how you can pass something along and just simply saying that in case you may find this interesting too, or it's okay to point something out, but to do so from a place of curiosity. Like I said, we don't want to feel like we're being judged. We don't want to feel like we're lacking. That's actually something that's going to have the reverse effect. And you're going to feel that pulling away further because we're going to feel like we're not measuring up if we're not good enough. And so it needs to feel more like informing and just saying, hey, if this is something of interest to you or hey, somebody had passed this along to me, I figured I would pass it along to you as well. So what you're doing in many cases is you're leaving some breadcrumbs. You're planting some seeds. No, this is not a game. Okay. Just to be clear, this is not to try to play games and manipulate your man into getting some type of help or resources. It's really about being gentle and compassionate with planting some of those seeds because at the end of the day, no help can really be sought. No help can actually even benefit us if it's not our choice if it is not something that we feel like we are arriving at a place where we say, yes, we need assistance, we need support and we're willing to do something about it. So we need to be aware and we need to be willing. You can help us a bit with the awareness and do so in a gentle, compassionate way. But the willingness, the end of the day, you can't control that is up to us as men. And so now the one thing I will share is that there are also some very interesting alternative organizations that are out there that service call it a great starting point or even a gateway in some senses. One of the best examples that I know of that I can offer you is an organization called F3. You can find them at F3 Nation, Bcom and F3 specifically stands for Fitness, Fellowship and Faith. In essence, it's really a men's exercise organization. It's always free. It's always outdoors. It's always led by one of your peers, Right? It's always open to all men. And that exercise or that fitness is the excuse to get together. It's a reason for men to gather. But the real mission of the organization is to actually reinvigorate male community leadership. And it does that by bringing that vitality as well as that fellowship back to men and giving them a place where they can start to open up and share a bit more than just simply getting a good workout. And they have a structure for that. They do a really, truly wonderful job of helping men to step up in ways that feel comfortable and aligned to them. And it's also likely that you or your man may know a guy that's actually already involved in F3 because there are worldwide over 3400 locations now. And some of the gentlemen that I have met through F3 and through the workouts, it's all local, are just extraordinary, extraordinary men that find ways of challenging each other and calling each other forward in very positive ways. And we start to see that camaraderie. We start to see that beneficial alliance start to develop and bring us forward. And so you can leave the breadcrumbs. But at the end of the day, each man has to pick up that trail on their own. That's the route that's needed more often than not. Now, one last thing if you see a man who is clearly in distress, then yes, you need to be more direct. You need to line up those resources to be able to get them that support. Let them know that it's okay. Let them know how much you care for them and how much they matter. Share some of the stats, for instance, that I gave a little while ago. Ask their closest friend for support. And by all means, please connect to a professional at that point who can help you guide that man to get the support they need. It's one of the reasons why I'm doing this podcast, obviously, is to share these types of stories for that that very, you know, intention and is also for, you know, for everyday listening. It doesn't have to be shared in this format. It's just us being more open with the experiences that we've been through. And that in and of itself creates a space that feels safer, more accepting, and less judgmental. For people to then say, Hmm, maybe I can talk about this with this friend or with this person or and it just creates that little bit of opening for us. Yeah. And then to your point, I mean, writing and journaling, that was an important part of my process because it just takes something that feels like it's so stuck within you and it starts to move it out of you. And exactly, actually, as you said, you don't need to keep those journals. You can rip them up, shred and burn them, actually make a make-even ritual out of it, which I've done. Yeah. Because it's all it's what it is. It's about releasing it.
Tim [00:34:46] Mm-hmm.
Luke [00:34:47] Getting it out of you in that regard.
Tim [00:34:48] Yeah. Yeah. The other note just to say, too, is because I know a lot of the men I speak to, you have friends and family that love and support the heck out of them.
Luke [00:34:57] Yeah.
Tim [00:34:58] But it's hard it in like it feels impossible to say anything to them or like that that you're feeling or experiencing or it's just. And it's also hard to want to. You know, we talk about change in identity. It's hard for us, but it's also hard for the people around us to see the change and expressions. It takes time. It takes them a lot more time to accept the change than it does, you know, if that makes sense. Like as you work on yourself, like they're going to see it happening, but like they still know you as your old self. And so it just takes a little bit longer for new you to really resonate with them. And some people won't, and that's okay too. The only thing I would add is that like if you're not comfortable with your spouse, you're bringing things up with your best friend, with your parents, with your brother or whatever, because something just feels, hey, we've never talked about this before. I feel as if that's one of the great things about just like a men's group is because everybody is there for the same reason. Everybody has the same insecurities and fears that you have going into it. Like are people going to judge me? What am I getting into? And something about that creates the coolest space because everybody is there, like deep down, just want to grow. Like, we just want to heal. We just want to. We're sick of feeling this way, and we just want to feel our best. And when you get in a group and it can be tiny, it can be a group of two other guys, you know, and just a space that is the guys don't know you. They don't know your background. They don't know your baggage. They don't know what you're coming in with or your struggles or addictions or anything. All they care about is you right now sitting right in front of me wanting to grow. And there's something about that energy that is so inspiring and just cultivates so much connection and growth and is as I've just seen it. It's been awesome for all types of guys, all types of backgrounds, ages, anything.
Luke [00:36:51] Well, whispering, I mean, it's so important because we've got the relationships we have in our lives and they do know us a certain way. And so it creates some of that almost like surface tension to keep us where we used to be because that's how they see us and that's how they're going to keep relating to us based on the old way that they knew new us. It's funny, I just I just had a conversation the other day on this of the research also that's coming out that talks about how forming these types of social circles in a whether it be a men's group men's circle, that type of work it actually facilitates and even accelerates the healing process because it supports all sorts of regulatory things, you know, our coherence and all sorts of things that go on for us physiologically. And it also supports us with exactly what you're getting at, which is we feel like we're in a safe place. We feel like we're not alone and we now have people that are seeing us for who we're becoming as opposed to who we used to be. Yeah, and we're doing that for each other. It's interesting to me how far we got away from that, because I have no idea if this is any of your background at all. But one of the lines of study that I've done is from some of the indigenous traditions and how, you know, for all both men and women, but specifically for men, we had these like initiations and we had these journeys that we would go out and as part of the way in which we stepped into the different phases of manhood, and then we were celebrated and received by the tribe, by the other men as we would come back. And so we used to see this as you don't need to go out and do this on your own, meaning you're not left out on your own. You're part of a community that is here to completely support you. You need to go through your trials, perhaps on your own, because we can't do that for you. But we're going to be here when you start. We're going to be here when you need us. And we're going to be here when you get back and we're going to receive you that way. And we've gotten so far away from that.
Tim [00:38:42] I don't have a ton of experience with that specifically, but it just brings so many things up to think through. And like, we've just gotten so disconnected from it and I think we've gotten so disconnected from our. Nature as animals in every part of our I would say our world now is part of the like manmade world and stuff that's made up and created. And we've gotten so far removed from what is true and what is real. And that's our innate self, you know, that's the soul, the spirit, whatever you want on this internal energy we have that ultimately connects all of us and everything on earth. And we've set kind of set ourselves up for failure pretty nicely, you know, unhappiness, discontent. Lack of fulfilment, no clarity. I mean, we're so far removed from, you know, I think the simple things that got us here in our connection with each other. So I love that. Now I want to check that out.
Luke [00:39:39] It is this reflection of we have gotten away from it and the way in which so much of society has been structured is around like even right from the days of school of what we're going to achieve, what we're going to achieve for the grades, what are we going to achieve for? That's what we're going to achieve for that. And we don't create a lot of space, which is why we have to figure out ways of incorporating in the rest of our lives to create that space where we just do what you described before of we've got to get to know that that person, that energy, that life force that exists within us, free of the context of who do we have to be in this world, what do we have to do in this world and give ourselves a bit of space to understand that as well as understand this operating system that we have in these meet suits that we walk around in. They've got a unique way of operating. There's some funny stuff that goes on in these in these bodies of ours and getting to, you know, getting to understand it that way. It's something you mentioned before, and I'm just kind of curious, why is it that we as men can be so clear about what we need to do for our physical health? But we will not step into the realm of emotional and mental health.
Tim [00:40:48] Yeah, I think there's just still an idea. Tied to it, you know that it just means weakness. This is funny because you could still tie that idea to physical hard to.
Luke [00:40:59] You can.
Tim [00:41:00] Yeah, the mind is slippery. And the same mind that you. Creates all of these, I would say, narratives and these limiting beliefs and, you know, the same mind that creates fear projects out into the future. A catastrophic event we don't want to happen or we're getting fired, or if I lose this job, or I could never start a company on my own, like what if it fails and everybody thinks I'm a failure? The same mind that creates it is the same mind that reacts to it. So we're dealing with the slippery snake on the inside, so I'll say. And so I think, you know, there's still the primal feeling of like, status. And I would say. You know, trying to put ourselves in a better position for survival, which could be status or mating, whatever. And then we get to the point where we have to take a moment, realize like, that's just not how it works anymore. That's unnecessary. It's not it's not doing us any good. Also, and you're talking about achievement and us being just driven to achieve all the time. And I think it's just so powerful for guys to take take a moment and ask, what is it for? And keep asking that question so you get to the root. Well, okay. Well, I want to make this much money because I want, you know, down payment on this house and I want a bigger house or I want like this promotion's like, okay, well, what is that for? Like, what is it? And if you keep asking that, you're going to get to one of like the core three, four or five human feelings that we just want to feel. We want to feel secure, we want to feel loved, we want to feel safe. We want to feel like worthy and accepted. Like that's really what's at the core of it. Yeah. And thinking that achieving stuff and going out and doing stuff is the only way to take it. And of course, like these aren't conscious thoughts. This is just programing going on in the background that we've been, you know, we've been chasing. So it's people that whether they come to a crossroads or this crisis that at age 28 or age 58 and realize that it doesn't really matter, just kind of this awakening to like, whoa, wait, what have I been what have I been doing this whole time? Like, why have I been doing this thinking that I need to do all this stuff in order to feel a certain way that my mind is telling me we want to feel. Instead of focusing on Wait a second, what if I could just feel that way as I am now, regardless of my circumstance, regardless of what's going on around me? What if I can change the language going on in my head, what I think about my life, what I believe about myself, what I absolutely loved, what you said early on about the meaning we create. Hmm. What if I am able to change what this moment with this chapter in my life, with this year, with this situation? I mean, what if I'm able to change what that means for me in my life? Like, what if you had that power and you didn't place the power of how you feel and your well-being into the hands of something like some arbitrary number, like your salary, you know, or how many awards you're going to get or whatever.
Luke [00:43:57] The amazing thing is, and I know you asked it as a question of what if you did have that power and you do right and you're experienced. I've experienced this. And so for me, you know, asking that question, well, what is it for? Right? If you get the promotion, great. What is that for? You get the next paycheck. Great. What is that for? Etc. Keep going. It does get down to just some of those core needs that we have as human beings, right? For love and worth and safety, etc.. For me, part of what I guess maybe flipped it around to get to those things as well was recognizing the desire that I had for freedom and how, you know, originally freedom was a very external thing, right? Very circumstantial. Do what I want when I want with whom I want completely defined externally all circumstantial shit.
Tim [00:44:42] Yeah.
Luke [00:44:43] And then when I flipped it around of actually, no, I've done that. I've checked a lot of those boxes. It isn't producing what I thought it did, actually. It's producing exactly the opposite of that because I feel like I have to keep up with everything. Yeah, right. I mean, it really did not work at all. And then I flipped around. I want to actually feel that freedom, the way you're describing of actually want to feel that within I want to be able to come from that place. That for me was a turning point because now the things that I wouldn't talk about, the struggles I had because I didn't want to admit them, I was, you know, it would have been weakness, it would have been vulnerability, it would have been all the things. Now, all of a sudden, it was more willing to talk about them. Yeah, because I write, I recognize them as, Oh, these are actually the things that are keeping me imprisoned. These are the things that are not liberating me. And it was a different orientation.
Tim [00:45:28] 100% the same thing. And one of my favorite quotes that really has resonated with me by a gentleman named Peter Crone, he says, You know, life will present you with people and circumstances to reveal where you're not free. And so you're going to have situations in your life, things are going to happen to you. And when you get triggered, when you react, when you get stressed, when you find yourself getting really sad, when you do something like that is actually just a feedback signal. Yeah. And it's communicating to you that, hey, there's still a part of your egoic mind. This identity you're hanging on to that is not free. That is really it's really not for you. Like you are still upset with something that happened outside of you. You're still so a part of you that maybe wants to change what's going on outside of you. One of the questions I like to bring up to the guys I work with is, you know, because because then a reasonable I would say question after that is like, okay, well, if I'm not going after this stuff, like what do I just I just like, don't try and grow at all or don't try to achieve anything in life. Like what? There's a distinction, subtle distinction, but it's not apathy. Yeah. You know, what I like to look at first is like, what is this action an expression of? Is this an expression of the feeling of lack and the feeling of fear, and you wanting to make more and get more and acquire more and, you know, build more because you don't feel that way as you are and that's how you feel you're going to get to the Promised Land. Or do you already feel that peace and whole and great as you are in building these things and starting a podcast or helping somebody out or, you know, starting a business or creating content or I don't know, whatever you're doing is an expression of love is an expression of creativity in your coming from a place of like, I'm doing this because like, human beings are incredible and we can come up with all kinds of shit. Or is it an expression of, I need to do this, I should be doing this? And if I don't do this, life's, you know, be seen as a failure. Life's going to say so.
Luke [00:47:22] It's a wonderful way of framing. And you know, what is this act an expression of to really be able to come back and check in with the energy, the intention that's behind where you're headed, Right. To really check what's behind the behaviour, the words, the thoughts, the habits, etc.. I do want to switch gears just a little bit on you, because I want to ask a little bit about what were some of the modalities that supported you and maybe some of the things that you do now that support men really approaching their wellbeing and specifically mental wellbeing in this way? Because there's such a cross-section. And I know without going because I got to hear you're where you're at first, but. I know that if we only pursue what is kind of a call it talk therapy or verbal type of processing, that doesn't always play to our best resources as a man and sometimes trappers. So I'm curious, like what are some of the modalities that you've brought into your own healing? But then also we are part of the work that you do.
Tim [00:48:17] Yeah. So I still think of things like sports or athletics, and I know that a couple of things in order to be my best to perform my best, I would say just as a human and my unlimited human potential, I need to get this vehicle in its prime state. And so for me, again, thank you to sports. I look at the fundamentals. What how can I distil it down? How can I focus on the fundamentals of sleep, nutrition, exercise, how I'm breathing, I add in sunlight in there. And then, of course, like which I had had just become a lesson to me was like mindset. And in the mental side of it, which to me was kind of like this looming thing that I didn't know how the other stuff I was like, I know how to do this right? So let me actually get laser focus on not just getting good at it, but optimizing it. And like I want to be a level ten out of ten. And the fundamentals, you know, personally, and I looked at when I was at my best in life, I have always loved mornings. I haven't always loved waking up in the morning, but when I make sure I get enough sleep and I plan for it, I do my best in the mornings. Yes, I'm not used to it and I try and wake up at 4 a.m. one day. It's going to be a train wreck. But if I plan for it and I start waking up at 5 a.m., like when I was working out at 5 a.m., you know, for years I felt great. And so I knew, okay, I got to get back to that, get back to the fundamentals. And I just had this feeling. I'm like, I know I have the most energy. I think I have like the most vibrant thoughts every in the morning, first thing in the morning, right when I wake up and I'm my best, I get shot out of a cannon. And so what I started focusing on was making sure I got, you know, seven, eight, 9 hours of sleep, whatever it ended up being for me. And that started with a nighttime routine. So I did things like I avoided screens, I stopped. I started tracking the effect that eating late, eating sugar, doing all this stuff had on the effect of my sleep. Because what I really learned was that if I got pretty crappy sleep and that could happen for a lot of reasons, I used to drink. So if there was a little bit of alcohol before, maybe if I took a weed gummy, if I ate too close to bed, if I was up watching Netflix, if I was scrolling social media on my phone, all of those things could, you know, mess up my sleep. And then the next day my ghrelin levels would be way up the extra hungry. Throughout the day I'd over eat. I couldn't think is clearly my work out to be okay. So I was like, okay, first and foremost, we got to do that. And then when it came to the morning, going back to this whole revelation that I had, that everything was a mindset thing, I was like, okay, I have to go full tilt at like everything. I have to try and figure this out. So I created a morning routine to support that. I know that I have to change how I think in the type of person I want to become. So I started doing things like I began meditating. I'd never meditated before. I was a person who's like, I can't sit still. I have too many thoughts. And of course, like that's like saying I can't go to the gym because I'm not strong. It's like now you go to the gym to get stronger. Like that's how it works. Same thing with meditation. So what I did is I set up my morning. I was like, Let me do all the things I need to do to gain back a sense of momentum. I at this point, I had been just so down, so dejected. No motivation, lack of focus, lack of clarity. And so like I was dragging my feet through the day. I was sleeping until 8ami was like drinking more than I wanted to. And so I was like, I'm waking up at five. I'm going to make my bed. That's what I'm doing immediately. And then I'm going to go in and I'm I start meditating a little bit. Maybe you read fine books on mindset. And I later got into like spirituality or mental or just, you know, kind of maybe more esoteric type of books as I am learning. But so meditation, reading. And then I would write each morning and I did three prompts and I was writing, I would reflect on just how I was feeling, how energized I was based off of my night's sleep, what I did the night before. So a little bit of accountability, a little bit of checking and reflection and data collection. And then I looked at what's just one thing I'm thankful for today. You know, when you're in this trap of crappy mental health and depression, you everything is down. You just look at everything that's bad. And so I it started with like one word answers, like this pen for my dad, my, you know, my mom, like, either suns out, you know, whatever. And then it got into more after like a few weeks I started Really? You feel your brain start to get rewired when you focus on gratitude and things you appreciate in your thankful for it because you start looking for it everywhere. So I really felt that shift. And the third thing I would write is what do I want to do today? What's going to make today great? What's my intention? And so much of what I focused on was like, How do I want to show up? What's different with the energy I want to put forward? Do I want to be somebody who's patient, calm, kind? I want to be somebody whose, you know, creative ideas come to him easily, like doesn't get overwhelmed by problems. Like these were all just like random examples, like, I'll try this out for a couple of weeks, see what happens. And I found very quickly that when I changed, when I stuck to that routine and I started my day that way, it changed the whole course of my day. Yeah, I would be done with this by 630 or six eight whenever whatever time it was, I forget and I would hop in and take a cold shower as well. I had read somewhere that that helped with depression, so I was like, I got to try it at this point. Yeah. And I was I'd rather try that for a year than go take medication. That's just how my mind thought. So I did that and I've done those ever since. And it was just a way to absolutely primed myself for the day. You know, again, thinking of athletics, it's like, what's the one? Everybody warms up. You work on your techniques before the game. You get yourself prime, your mind and body. And it was the same way priming, mind and body.
Luke [00:53:59] No matter how much. At times I've resisted it, no matter how many excuses I have offered to avoid committing to one a morning routine simply sets you up to have a better day. Time and again, it's essentially about priming your body, your heart and your mind for the day, for the week. It gets them into just this more optimal state that's going to support you as you head through your day. So let me offer a few pointers to you. This is something my my friend Amelia and Tinetti, you can go back and actually listen to an episode that I did with her probably about three months or so ago. She's a highly sought after behaviorist at Designing Genius, so you can go find them. And she talks a ton about this process as well as many of these pointers. So let's start with this. First is to identify 1 to 3 activities that would serve your body in the morning. It could be exercise. It could be stretching. It could be going for a walk, yoga, breathwork, qigong, tai chi, whatever it is. Right, that allows your body to get a little bit more limber, a bit more vital to start the day. Now, most days it may be some you know, for me it may be some form of an exercise, but I also have backup options. So I'm not going to work out every single day. My body does need time to recover. And so a short walk is a regular go to option on the days that I'm not working out. So I even have some contingency plans for that. Next, identify a couple of activities, 1 to 3 activities that are going to serve your mind. So meditation, reading, reading, something that's enriching, sitting outside and even just sipping your coffee, listening to quiet music or just listening to the sounds of the birds or the wind, or just feeling that morning breeze or morning sun in your face that allows you to settle in and to calm your way into the day. Now, there are other things you can use. I mean, for instance, yoga and qigong, even going for a walk all their physical, if they are approached in a manner that is very mindful, they can very much serve that settling and priming of the mind as well. I know how many people tell me their morning walk just completely sets them up for the day. Another activity that I find is incredibly helpful that I picked up years ago is from Julia Cameron in her just game changing famous book called The Artist's Way. And she refers to this is Morning Pages. Simply grab a notepad, crowd, journal, whatever it is that you want to use, and for 8 to 10 minutes, set a timer, just empty out any and all thoughts that in your mind I mean it just keep writing a stream of consciousness over and over and over again and it doesn't matter with these morning pages if you ever read them again. You don't need to if you don't want to. It's really just about emptying out your mind. It's kind of like clearing the cache on your computer or dumping your Internet history. Just let it go and allow it to get back to that nice, clean state. Morning pages are great for doing that. Now lastly, pick a couple of activities. One, two, three activities that are going to serve your heart. Now, this could be journaling. It could be a gratitude practice, a compassion practice, or a you and compassion based meditation. You could even simply sit and just recall a few experiences of joy, of or of love, of connection, and allow yourself to feel those moments again as if you were right back in them to breathe or smile or even laugh as you were in those memories, in those moments. And now with this list prepared, right, you've got somewhere between maybe three and nine different activities that are that are listed out here. You don't need to do all of these. Now, from that total list, pick just 1 to 3 that you want to start with. And ideally even just one or two. Right. And that's all you need to begin with and start with something that is either going to be impactful where you know that you're going to feel the difference and it's beginning to make for you right away, or pick up something that you believe is going to help you build momentum, right? So it might even be something that might not be the most impactful, but you know that it's going to start to ingrain that idea of a morning ritual for you so you can then add the second or the third thing to it until you find what's the best routine that makes the most sense to you. And now a couple other words on this. Think about what's the most minimal commitment that you could make to any of these. I'll explain why I'm saying it that way for a second. So for me, I developed my most steady meditation practice by committing to meditating for just 3 to 5 minutes a day. Not 20 minutes, not twice a day, just 3 to 5 minutes, sometimes just starting with three deep breaths. It was a micro commitment, meaning that I know that for me, that activity, that ritual of meditation was not about sitting for 20 minutes. The 20 minutes was actually easy. It was the first 3 to 5 minutes that was hard. And once I would get through that first 3 to 5 minutes or even just sit down and begin my meditation, I was 90% more likely to go for the full 18, 20, 25 minutes at any given time and reap the full benefits of doing so. But even 3 to 5 minutes I knew would make a difference because the all the research proves out everything else, that it just begins to slow your nervous system. It begins to slow your pace and ease your mind. So you want to make a micro commitment. What's that first thing that helps you build the momentum? And it can be something that is just your minimal commitment. Even just start by taking three deep intentional breaths might be another way of starting your meditation practice. Another actually commit. And along those lines so that I did make for meditation was that I made a commitment that I would at least open up my favorite meditation app or put on my favorite meditation music that maybe I'd pull up from YouTube because I knew once again that if I opened up the app and I put on the music and even just listened to that music for 60 seconds, I'd immediately go into my 3 to 5 minutes of commitment with just with ease. It was all about getting started. That's why I made the micro commitment. Now, last two points. I like variety. I don't do the same thing everyday anymore. You need to know yourself. So for some that consistency of ritual is going to be really important because that's what's going to make it really easy to stick with. You don't think about it. You know what the order is, You know, the three, four or five things that maybe you do now in a built up routine and you run with it. For me, I need options. I need that variety based on how I'm feeling on a particular day. And so I have my go to list, meaning what are the standard things that I look to do first? But I also have my my backup options that I can substitute in whenever it feels right for me. Either way, I still get my morning routine done and I get more primed. I get more focused based on those activities. The last point is be compassionate with yourself and have someone to be accountable to. So you're building a new habit. You're building a new ritual for yourself, and it's okay to slip. It's okay to miss a day or even several, but plan for that ahead of time, plan for how you're going to get back on track. So you do that by planning your support and your accountability beforehand. It's like putting those bumpers out on the gutters at bowling Right. It's going to help nudge you back into the middle, nudge you back to being on track, and you can do that preparation to put that support in place ahead of time. Take up a morning routine for even just one month. Just one month. See what happens when you prime yourself this way. See how it changes the way that you feel, See the effect that it has on your attitude. See what it is that begins to change for you. And in you see the way that it changes, the way that you show up for more challenging experiences in your life, or how you show up differently inside of relationships. Based on doing this, go into it like an experiment and see how you can prime yourself to live in a more optimal and more enjoyable and self-fulfilling way. Enjoy the process. I appreciate the way that you you know, you structured everything in the way that it supported you because it you know, we think about using the analogy and let's keep coming back to like fitness and nutrition. If we want to experience a certain level of performance and we are putting terrible nutrition, meaning terrible input into our bodies, we're going to a performance issue. Our minds and our emotions are no different than that. If we're beginning the day with poor sleep. So we're waking up tired. We're pushing against the alarm. We're dumping a whole bunch of caffeine into us. We're scrolling through some type of social media or listening to some type of media. That is just the latest tragedy argument or criticism of the day. And, you know, we're feeding off of those things because we feel like it somehow gets us in the flow. But think about the fuel source that is for our minds, the fuel source that is for our emotions. And we'd never do that for ourselves physically if we're trying to get physically better the same type of things. I mean, that's exactly what you just exhibited, is how do we prime in such a way that the fuel source for the energy I want to have for the day, the mental, the emotional, the social energy I want to have for the day is really important. And one of one of you know, I want to show you detailed a great morning routine. Part of it that I wanted to call out was around the intention and the way you describe the intention, because this is something I've I've experienced is sometimes a misunderstanding for a lot of people is they'll look at the intention is more of either like a to do list or the thing they want to accomplish for the day. And what you're describing is much more of know what's the energy. I think even said it was the energy I want to put forward today. To summarize, the intention is actually around how is it that I want to show up? How do I want it to be in the course of my day? And I'm making a choice. Beginning of the day, I am going to come at the day with more joy, with more gratitude, with more peace, and you're fueling yourself from. So as you said before, the acts that you are taking are an expression of those things. So you're wiring it all together. So I really appreciate the way that you talk through that, because I think it's a critical way of of starting the day out where we need it to be. I guess the other the other element before we start to bring things around kind of full circle here. I'm curious what you found as any further thing like critical elements for the changes to last for you. Right. Because we can get into routines, we can do the rituals and we know that's really, really supportive. But we also know that if it's really not based on anything further underneath it, then at some point that ritual is going to get a go by the wayside. Yeah, And so I'm curious like what for you ultimately were maybe one or two of those things that created a more sustainable change.
Tim [01:04:35] I think you have to focus on patience and compassion, self-compassion. And that was one, two things I really didn't possess at all my life early on. And so I knew going into this and I think just thinking of it like physical health, you can't expect. To go to the gym for six weeks, get in shape. Not that you can get in shape in six weeks, but let's see, let's say six months. You go to the gym for six months, you get in shape, you see some changes, you lose some weight, you start your little shredded, you move better. And then if you just stop going, what do you think's going to happen? Yeah, it's going to revert back. You know, just like if you miss a day, it won't have a big deal if you go once, it's not going to make a change. And so, you know, for me it was really reminding and saying very in tune with my intentions more than anything. And through this process, I think what you gain so much from it is just you build your level of awareness of yourself and your own triggers. And like you just start to learn your mind and you know, when things start to get off kilter or what you need to do to feel your best. And so you just become so in tune with that and hyper aware of any changes. So how you get it to stick is it's you can't go into it thinking like, okay, I'm going to do this morning routine for 30 days and then I'm going to be good and in high flying it's like, yeah, you may feel better, you know, just like if you go, if you eat clean for 30 days and you exercise, you're going to feel better. That's how it works. But once you stop, like you're going in, you know, you're either moving forward or you're going back. Depending on what your actions are doing, the actions are either aligned with your values or they're not. They're going to get you towards your goals or they're not. And there is no like, I'm just going to maintain really, you know, or like, do this and then I'll be good forever. So I think, yeah, how you sustain them is you focus, especially with this is like if you really have to focus on how you want to show up, are you showing up? Are you consistently showing up as the type of person that you want to become? I think just to expand a touch on the intention pieces, like if you don't know, like I don't I don't even know what I would write. Oh, I don't. It's like, okay, think of somebody you admire. Think of a boss who has some characteristics you like or a friend or family member. Somebody who can walk into a room and light up a room. And you've always loved that. And you know, sometimes you do that, but you don't always do that. Or somebody who just seems really calm all the time and doesn't get stressed out, even in crazy stressful situations. And they just have this demeanour and this way of looking at life that is just so peaceful and like, yeah, that's, that's what I want. Like, I don't want to be a guy who's getting pissed off at the DMV lines taking too long. But if I could sit in my chair and just be like, I'm good, I'm hanging, that's what I want. I want to be okay with whatever is going on. So that's what I, what helped me early on when I thought of intention, it was like, who are people I admire, whether I knew them or they were podcasters. I listened to authors I read and I'm like, Yeah, I kind of like how they do this or how they think about this or whatever. So what if I try and think that way or embody it? And then when you're out living, you go, okay, if I was really my intention today was just to be patient and kind, and if I was really being patient and kind, how would I respond? Right now, you know the answer. The answer comes to you. So, you know, it's not a sexy and like easy answer of how you sustain it, but it is like you kind of have to accept that it takes work for one and it takes consistency like any change. And I think at the foundation of that is under having patience with yourself and knowing it's a lifelong thing and loving compassion and knowing that the voice in your head that doesn't have those is the exact voice that we're trying to rewire and change.
Luke [01:08:15] Anyone really appreciate that and the realness of kind of the answer that's there, right, is this is not a three day workshop. This is not a retreat. You don't get to go take plant medicine and everything's better tomorrow. It's work. It is right. And I'm not saying that all those things aren't tools. They can be used as wonderful tools.
Tim [01:08:32] Yeah.
Luke [01:08:32] But at the end of the day, it still requires integration in your life, and that requires a commitment. What is it? A friend of mine says Commitment is what's there when your motivation no longer is. And that sort of, you know, that's what it's going to take is that level of commitment. The other thing, though, that you exhibit there, both with the intention as well as just in in what I heard you describe, is the more that you also have some of that picture of the future self that you are consistently trying to live your way into. It gives you that combination of knowing what you're disciplined on, but it also feels like you're being kind of pulled forward into who it is that you want to be and how it is that you want to show up in life, which helps with so that inspiration helps with some of that motivation that's there as well. Tim, I guess if I could just kind of bring things around full circle, what I would ask is if there is a guy that is listening to this episode, listening to this show right now and they are struggling, they have fallen into some challenges. They're really struggling with maybe their mental health. They're up against that. They're feeling the pain, the stress of life. But they have at least cracked open the door. And they are listening right now because they want to hear what it is that may support them. What message do you have for them?
Tim [01:09:47] Well, I'd say if you can stop drinking alcohol. Get off social media. Those are two things immediately. Talk about quick results if you want to immediately change your state. Get those things out of your life, at least for the short term, I would say. You know, the fact that you're tuning in and listening actually already means that you've taken the first step. You know, you've already reached out in some way. I get emotional thinking about it, and I get so fired up when people reach out to me. You know, when I get somebody who books an intro car or they take time to answer questions, what's not going well in their life is because I never did that. And so I just have so much respect for those guys that what it shows me is that there's just an insane amount of strength and they're willing to actually be strong. Strength is recognizing that something's off and doing something about it. You know, strength isn't bearing it Like that's that's easy to bury it and to cover it and sweep it under the rug. It is fucking hard to stare at your deepest fears and insecurities in the face and say, I'm going to do something about this. I don't know what it's going to be. Have no idea what I'm doing. Like. Extremely vulnerable. You know, to even step into that world. But just to reinforce that it takes such a massive amount of strength. And so the fact that you're doing it, like already puts you in the 1%, you know, already you're standing out from the crowd because so many just won't. And then in terms of like one thing you can do if you're not ready to reach out to somebody, I would say, Right. I would say get a piece of paper and just write what free flow. Whatever comes to mind, whatever's coming out. Just write down whatever you're thinking, feeling. And then, of course, like, burn it, rip the paper and just do that. Start doing that every morning with whatever comes up for you. It can just be such a helpful release and you can learn a lot about yourself.
Luke [01:11:40] Tim, I want to thank you for coming on this walk. Deeply appreciate you sharing. You know, just so openly the during that you've been on the experiences that you've had and obviously very much appreciate the fact that you you're turning that into a beautiful purpose to support other men with what they're going through. Thanks for being here.
Tim [01:11:56] Yeah, thanks for having me. It's a great, great combo.
Luke [01:11:59] Thank you for every you can find Tim Perreira, go ahead and do me a favor drop-down At the end of the show notes you'll find all the links there. You can also look up her wellness online. You can find him in all those different places. Make sure you reach out to them. Thanks, everybody, once again for tuning in. Thank you for joining me for this episode of On This Walk. Before signing off, please subscribe to the show and don't miss a single episode. Also, please rate and review. This helps me greatly in getting the word out about this show. And remember, this is just the start of our conversation to keep it going ask questions add your own thoughts. Join the ongoing conversation by just heading over to onthiswalk.com and click on the community in the upper right-hand corner. It's free to join until we go on this walk again I am Luke Iorio. Be well!

Feliz BorjaMay 23, 2023

042 - An Upfront Look at Men’s Mental Health — One Man’s Journey

The mental well-being of men has received some more attention of late—but not in a good way. Brace yourself as we share some painful truths about the stigma surrounding male mental health… And discuss the way back to true well-being.

In This Episode

Notable Quotes

Luke @ 11min 07sec

Tim @ 01hr 10min 35sec

Our Guest

Resources & Links

Full Episode Transcript